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Keep away-
your idea of "love"-
I've had my share-

I want no part-
in this game-
you play-
with other little-
boys-

So keep,
keep away!
Keep your heart-
to yourself.
©2008-2009 ~deep-south
:icondeep-south:

Author's Comments

A new style of writing for me. What do you think?

Comments


love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 1 1 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconastartekatz:
I like it. The line

"Keep your heart-
to yourself."

sounds to me that the word heart is said sardonically as if it's a curse instead of a gift.

Nice.

--
"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -- Juan Ramón Jiménez
:icondeep-south:
Thank you much.

--
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
[link]
:iconastartekatz:
;D

--
"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -- Juan Ramón Jiménez
:iconunaccompanied-me:
I very much enjoy the idea this expresses. I was gonna say that you don't need the two keeps in a row, but I changed my mind once I reread the title. It's good how it is.

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
:icondeep-south:
Raiding my gallery, are we? LoL
I discovered a while back how good repitition(sp?) sounds IF used right. Hopefully it was used right in this case...

--
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
[link]
:iconunaccompanied-me:
I believe so. It looked just like there were too many keeps, but you do need the phrase "Keep Away" there, because it is the title, and that's pretty cool that you say you don't want any part in the game and keep away is a game... I like that.

I generally go on a gallery raid for any writers that I meet (and like), I leave about 3-4 comments, and then watch them...generally. You know, do unto others... xD

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
:icondeep-south:
Hey... I totally forgot about the children's game, Keep Away. It adds a deeper meaning to it... Thanks for comments! You're next... Eventually.

--
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
[link]
:iconunaccompanied-me:
Haha, I went through your gallery and then after this one I was like "Oops... There aren't any more." I look forward to them though.

I thought that was the idea you were going for, how the narrator says that they don't want to be a part of the game but in doing so they're playing a game themselves...

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
:icondeep-south:
Yes, there will be more. Just wait lol
As for the playing the children's game... The "narrator" has quit that...

--
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
[link]

Details

June 20, 2008
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